Let me introduce myself.
As long as I can remember I am fond of writing. I am not particularly good at it in the sense that I feel I have a talent for writing, but I do enjoy it very much. From the age of fifteen I have been writing on and off in several ways to express my thoughts and feelings. Never consistently. Always without intentions. The writing was the goal as well as the proces. Before MSN and eventually every other social media platform, blogging was a way of communicating with people you would not know otherwise. Eventually it fell out of fashion and I fell out of writing. There were pro’s and cons to this change.
I noticed that my writing became a bit darker and cynical which consequently caused a change in my viewing of the world which also seemed to grow a bit darker. It’s difficult to distinguish the difference between writing to externalize internal turmoil and writing to convince yourself of your own beliefs. With me, it became the latter.
Aside from this (still being a teenager/early twenties) I was writing as a musician, so I felt inclined to feel sad all the time. It’s one of those things. Sadness equals creativity. Happiness doesn’t.
Fast forward a few years: I stopped writing all together. Several things caused me to quit my band and withdraw from the scene. It was one of the best things to do at that point. It is difficult to let go of the one thing that, up until that point, defined who you were (in your own eyes). But it forced me to renegotiate who I was and what actually defines a man. In short: it is not his capacity to write and perform music. In this period I discovered many aspects of myself that I value above any skill or talent I previous possessed (most of them I still possess actually, so win-win right?).
Fast forward again:
My daughter is born..
This will probably end up in more than one blog, so I won’t expand too much on it already BUT: this changed everything. There are no words to comprehend what it means to become a father for the first time. Above mentioned importance of aspects and skills? Vanished. Gone. You think you’re important? Forget it, you are not. Not in the slightest. You think you loved anything before? Forget, you did not. You think you felt vulnerable and scared before? Forget, you haven’t. Not to diminish any struggles previous to being a parent, because I had mine way before I became a father. I am just trying to explain to you that, had I knew what I know now in terms of what love could mean; what fear could mean; what vulnerable could mean; I would have encountered those struggles completely different.
Right now, as a father and (late) student (started a bachelors degree at the age of 28), my life is rather busy and over the last few years I have developed the need for structure and selfdevelopment. I am no longer able to ‘wing it’ and oversee the possible consequences. Writing returned in the form a journal. It is therapy as I think this blog will be therapeutic in a way.
It is in the overthinking that I come to most of my important insights yet it is also in the overthinking that I lose track of what is important.
This blog is just that: a collection of conclusions to my overthinking of everything. I will share with you my thoughts on music, books, education, photography and being a father. Looking forward to connecting with you.